how to date a low maintenance chick

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i think it’s really funny when guys who are interested in me put forth a world of effort. it always makes me laugh because just as much as they don’t want to do it, i don’t want them to do it. i’ve never understood why this is a requirement for so many women – reassurance that they’re loved, so here’s a guide when dating a girl such as myself, even though we’re hard to come by.

  1. DO NOT HOLD MY HAND

seriously, don’t. full disclosure, i already sweat 100x more than your average female, so your clammy sweaty hand is just making my clammy sweaty hand uncomfortable. yes, that’s a bead of sweat on more forehead please let go now.

  1. DO NOT BUY ME FLOWERS

just like that 50 dollar bouquet died, our budding romance will succumb to the same fate if you show up at my house, work or neighborhood mcdonalds with a bouquet of anything. not only are they a waste of money seeing as you can steal them out of your moms garden for free, but THEY DIE. i don’t want to have to keep dead roses because i’ll feel bad for throwing them out. and believe me when i say, i have a hard enough time remembering to keep myself hydrated – the flowers don’t stand a chance. but, if you want to get me something, an edible arrangement is fine.. hold the bananas.

  1. I DON’T WANT TO BE THE LITTLE SPOON

… i don’t want to be the big spoon either. this circles back to the whole sweating thing. you’ll be all cozy with me wrapped up in your arms, snoring away and i’ll be lying there like “how can i get another limb out from under the blankets.” a little pre-sleep/tv canoodling is fine, but there’s a reason we’re in a king bed, know your roll.

  1. I DON’T REPLY TO TEXTS

sorry not sorry. just because we’re “in-love” now doesn’t mean my life has to stop, it doesn’t mean yours does either. i’m at work all day, you’re doing what you’re doing – give me a call when you have a few minutes to talk. i know this one might seem bitchy, it’s just i don’t want to reply if i know i can’t keep replying. so i guess you can say i don’t reply because i care?

  1. FOOD IS THE ULTIMATE BAE

there’s a good chance that we’ll spend a few meals together, this is a post on its own and maybe one day i’ll do it but here’s the thing. i don’t eat salads. obviously, as a side at home when mom makes burgers. but if we’re going to dinner you best believe i’m getting the quesadillas, hold the onions, extra sour cream, with fries on the side and keep the ketchup coming.

love is complicated and messy enough as it is. so having someone who’s laid back isn’t always a bad thing, some men like women like being reassured that they’re important and loved. but, just because i don’t tell you i miss you doesn’t mean i don’t miss you. i think it’s about being confident enough to see your worth and knowing that other people can see it too.

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