things i no longer have time for – birthday edition

148856_10150311029095072_3452171_nin honour of my twenty-fourth birthday i thought i’d just run through the things i no longer have time for in my life since i’m well into “adulthood” now.

  • shitty friends 

i think this is a common thing when maturing. i’m to busy now to waste my time on friendships that mean more to me then they do to the person i’m friends with. i left high school a long time ago, and with that i left the drama, the backstabbing and the gossiping. everyone’s definition of a shitty friend is different – i just don’t like people who waste my time and never learn. you’re happy now, and that’s great but when your boyfriend leaves you… again… don’t expect me to be there to say i told you so (even though i told you so). keep your circle small – a girl doesn’t need more than 1 true friend.

  • hate

i spent a long time hating people (mainly because they’re stupid) but i’ve decided to let that go. it just makes being around them unbearable and i really shouldn’t expect everyone to be a super genius like me. so, if you’re reading this and there was a point in time when we used to be close but, your idiocracy made your presence the bane of my existence – call me. my numbers still the same.

  • looking cute

it’s bad enough that i have to wake-up every morning brush my hair, teeth and put make-up on for work, so don’t expect me to be runway ready on my lazy sunday. and yes i am aware that my style resembles that of your grandma – floral shirts and cardigans all day long.

this is just the short list, but i didn’t want to bore you on a saturday. tonight i will be celebrating in style with the girls (a.k.a my 1 friend, my sister and her 1 friend) if you need me i’ll be plastered in the city.

P.S obviously this list wouldn’t be complete without bills, but knowing i have 70 more years to pay them is depressing enough. ain’t nobody got time for bills.

P.S.S. i know my throwback is adorable – i was a child abductors dream.

hello twenty-sixteen

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and just like that the holidays are over and the new year has begun – 1/4 to empty happened real quick (old post reference). last year i made the wise decision NOT to set any new years resolutions, and that worked well for 2015 victoria. twenty-sixteen victoria however has some goals.

pay off jemmye

for those of you who don’t know in 2015 i purchased a 2015 unlimited jeep sahara and i named her jemmye. which is fitting since she’s a gas guzzling hoe. this year i would like to pay her off or at least come close to paying her off so by her 2nd birthday (april 2017) she’s paid in full and i can buy more clothes.

move out 

this has been on my to-do list since i’ve been 18 but now that i’ve graduated university, have a full-time job (that i enjoy) and am older more wise and responsible, i would like to get my own place. hence why paying off jemmye has become a priority. girl can’t afford a condo and a truck.

get back on the fitness train

around this time last year i started running. i shed 20 unwanted pounds (yay me) but in the process of getting a new job and starting my adult life i managed to put it back on. i’m not saying i want to lose the weight again – however it would be nice, i just want to be able to run again without feeling like i’m going to either a. pass out b. puke or c. shit myself.

lastly, i would like to fall in love get married and have children. realistic right?

i hope everyone had a very merry christmas and a safe and happy new year. it’ll be interesting to see how much of this i accomplish – my bet is all of it (lol probably none).

 

NINE WEEKS

jack-o-lanternsi’m not sure why, but time has been escaping me lately. i can’t believe in nine weeks it’ll be the first day of 2016. it feels like i just wrung in the new year. there’s likely a philosophy behind why time passes by quicker as you age and there’s probably some mathematical equation to go along with it, so i’ll never figure it out. but, i’ve come up with my own theory; essentially, life is like your gas tank – it feels like it takes forever to go from full to ¾ and then ¾ to ½ goes quicker ½ to ¼ is gone within a blink and before you can say “shit i need gas” the light comes on. once you start observing life, it goes by faster. when you’re watching someone else grow, falling in love, learning something new – it goes faster. what do they say? time flies when you’re having fun.

just think of all the fun to be had between today and new year’s day, the next nine weeks is your gas tank going from ¼ to empty, so i thought it would be a good time to reflect on my year and see how i’m doing. i didn’t make any resolutions, just to go out more and make more friends. that was accomplished. i had the summer of a lifetime, bought a new car, found a new job, drank and ate my teeny tiny heart out and for a split second i was skinny. a girl can’t really ask for much more.

EX’S SHOULD BE FRIENDS

i’ve never uExes-Can-Be-Friendsnderstood the theory ex’s can’t be friends. sure they can. it’s mind boggling to me how someone goes from being your world to a stranger. it’s even more mind boggling how you could hate someone you once loved. obviously initially when the wounds are still fresh, it’s hard to see the good you once saw. but once the pain is gone, you’ll realize that the break-up was in your best interest and mending the bridge might be in your best interest too. so if you need a quick ice breaking conversation starter, here are a few ideas.

YOU CHEATED ON ME BUT IN THE END YOU DID ME A FAVOUR, LETS GO GRAB A BEER

think logically here, you’re sexy and they were crazy. count your blessings you found out sooner rather than later and if you found out later – count your blessings you found out. you know what a catch you are, they know what a catch you are… go out there show them that there was no love lost.

YOU NEVER ACTUALLY LIKED ME SO THAT MAKES YOU DELUSIONAL WANNA CATCH A MOVIE?

full disclosure i did this. i chased after a guy like a bulldog in heat for months to come and find out i never liked him. good looks can only get you so far. and in my classy fashion in my break up i mentioned “kissing you is like kissing a friend” whoops. needless to say he hasn’t spoken to me since. but bro, i’m delusional sure i’ll see that movie.

I’M DATING YOUR BESTFRIEND NOW – DO YOU REMEMBER THAT 3 WAY YOU ALWAYS WANTED?

this is classic. the old friend swap. think of your partner. now think of your ex. now think of you, your partner and your ex – you’re welcome. and if you don’t have someone in your life think of your two hottest ex’s. unless you have horrible taste, this is everyones dream.

WE GREW APART BUT MAYBE WE CAN GROW BACK TOGETHER… IN THE BEDROOM

good ol’ friends with bens. just keep in mind at one point you loved this crazy S.O.B don’t let that cute cricked smile distract you from the mission. some late night fun without raising your number.

there are circumstances in which you should cut ties and never look back. never except mistreatment or abuse. but, if you hold onto a grudge it’ll eat you up inside. the best way to get closure is to forgive. i don’t expect ex’s to remain best friends, just cordial. check in a few times a year and keep up to date. this life is too short to hold hate in your heart. besides you’ve since moved onto bigger and better things, do you know what i’m sayin’ 😉

19 KIDS AND COUNTING…

i never do “current event” posts. hell i never post a blog the day i write it, but today that’s going to change and i can’t guarantee it’ll never happen again.

josh duggar is apparently a reformed child molester – i don’t really care. he lives thousands of miles away from me, the likelihood of him coming into contact with my children is slim. my issue isn’t with who he was, it’s with who he is, what he believes, and the reaction of far too many stupid people.

josh has gone on the record saying that being gay is an unforgiveable sin. here’s the thing, are you “god”? do you have some sort of telephone line to “heaven” where he’s told you this? and how is an unconscious “sin” unforgivable but a conscious one forgiveable? you fondled not one but FOUR of your sisters genitals while they were sleeping and the god you believe in forgives that, because you’ve “redeemed” yourself but joe loving bill is still a punishable act? if that’s the case then i have this whole religion thing ass backwards. i would condemn a child molester too hell well before i’d condemn anyone in the LGBT community.

and to anyone who’s defending him, and underplaying his actions due to his age. if he was the boy across the street would you be so understanding? if he had fondled your sister, niece or daughter would it still be okay? just because he’s some form of a celebrity (i use that term very loosely) doesn’t mean he’s above the law or your standards. and to everyone i saw say “he was 14 everyone’s curious about sexuality at 14.” LOL, sure they are but they don’t turn to incest. hence why masturbation is so common in boys that age. oh, and if you want to again defend his age, he knew what he was doing was wrong because he fondled them in their sleep, when he thought he wouldn’t get caught. A++ for paedophilia efforts.

as for TLC it’ll be interesting to see what they do, considering they cut mama june and her bodacious bunch out because she was talking to a known child molester. my, my, my now one of the duggars is one, it’s the TLC curse. breaking up families, marriages and bringing all sorts of creepy into the light.

CH-CH-CHEATERS

last week on lunch at work we got on the topic of cheating, in regards to relationships. i’ve personally never cheated nor have i been cheated on, so maybe my opinion holds no merit but, that doesn’t stop me from having one. tcheathe conversation developed from if you cheat you’re an ass, too people only care when they get caught. and that’s the truth, but they don’t “care” because they were “caught” – you’d  have to be highly naïve to think you could go forever without “your special someone” catching on.

i think cheaters don’t foresee the consequences of their actions, and i mean how could you have insight on something you know nothing about? they suspect tears, anger and severe rage. but, i think it’s safe to say the majority of unfaithful counterparts don’t have  “i want bae to have years of self-esteem issues” or “if i do this bae is going to slit her wrists” in mind. cheating at its core is often not spiteful. there were a fair share of cheaters in that lunch room and most of them were A. either no longer in love OR B. regretted the whole thing.

now, there’s a difference between a cheater and a serial cheater. a cheater is a one time offender, that learned from their mistakes and never looked back. a serial cheater on the other hand is someone whose cheated on every partner they’ve ever had since the 7th grade. a serial cheater is someone who repeatedly offends in one relationship, or over a series of relationships. they’re able to look there whoever in the eye and tell them they love them and feel no regret or remorse… these are the people you have to be careful of.

i just feel as if “once a cheater, always a cheater” isn’t a fair way to brand imagessomeone. circumstances matter. they don’t make breaking a persons heart okay, and i certainly don’t condone seeking outside of a relationship to fix problems within a relationship (this includes emotional affairs too). i just don’t think you should dismiss a possible love interest because of their past. you should always be careful with your heart and tread lightly. there are some people who lack empathy and are constantly going to do you wrong whether you know it or not.

ANONYMOUS FRIENDSHIPS

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i’m really quiet, maybe quiets not the word for it, i’m really shy. and even when i’m comfortable enough around you too be “outgoing” i’m still probably not comfortable enough around you too trust you. i have this thing against people knowing my business. not even my business really, my feelings. i always joke and say everything you know about me is googleable – where i live and work, what i eat and do on my spare time, who my friends and family are. but it’s all the stuff deeper than that, which only a very select few know about me. and this causes some conflict (a lot of conflict) when trying to nurture new relationships.

no that’s not a look of disgust, it’s just my face.  this whole resting bitch face thing has really helped me explain and understand why i look like i just smelt a fart when someone’s telling me a story. it’s not that i’m uninterested or secretly judging you, it’s just my face when i’m paying attention to your problems.

because you tell me about your lovers quarrel doesn’t mean i’ll tell you about mine. people more often than not divulge their personal information to me. and i listen, i try to help. i like to believe all of the hours i’ve spent watching dr. phil make me somewhat of a qualified expert on all things self-help. i know you probably don’t realize that we spend hours talking about you but that’s okay because i love giving advice.

don’t take my advice? don’t come to me for advice. this one sentence right here is why my friendships never last. because people take roles in relationships i almost always fall into the category of listener. i’m the friend you can call with a problem and always receive a listening ear, and a good unbiased opinion. just because i’m your friend doesn’t mean ill side with you. here’s the thing you don’t always have to do what i say, your life is your own. but, if you come to me week in and week out with the same problems and week in and week out i give you the same solutions this isn’t going to last. no one wants to waste their time and energy on deaf ears. plus, if i care about you and you’re being mistreated, and i voice my concerns but nothing changes – i can’t have that stress in my life…

i’m working on developing meaningful relationships in 2015 and sometimes a good place to start when doing that is repairing ones you’ve given up on. i think to be successful i need to step outside of what Ii find “comfortable” in friendships. they’re a two-way street and i have to start letting people into my lane. and, if people don’t accept my olive branch i need to keep on trekking because life goes bye really fast and i can’t constantly dwell on the past.

I’m Not Old. I’m Cinderella.

no wonder i enjoy my saturday nights with this one #GrandmaStatus

A Laptop In The Wind

barney-stinson-im-too-old-for-this_2Not long ago, I took a highly revered internet test letting me know my true age. After a grilling list of questions, it revealed that I am 62. Seeing as I was only born 26 years ago, this should have offended me; however, since the description following my “real age” was pretty accurate, it was hard to argue.

I’ve recently noticed that I’m having a hard time keeping up with what the “kids” are into. Actually, it’s not so much that I can’t keep up as I don’t care. I’m not interested in the latest acronym or abbreviation. I don’t need to stay up until the wee hours of the morning in order to call the night a success. When the clock strikes midnight, I’m out. If you can’t manage to fit in a good time before that, you must not be very fun. I’m basically Cinderella, and you wouldn’t…

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how to date a low maintenance chick

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i think it’s really funny when guys who are interested in me put forth a world of effort. it always makes me laugh because just as much as they don’t want to do it, i don’t want them to do it. i’ve never understood why this is a requirement for so many women – reassurance that they’re loved, so here’s a guide when dating a girl such as myself, even though we’re hard to come by.

  1. DO NOT HOLD MY HAND

seriously, don’t. full disclosure, i already sweat 100x more than your average female, so your clammy sweaty hand is just making my clammy sweaty hand uncomfortable. yes, that’s a bead of sweat on more forehead please let go now.

  1. DO NOT BUY ME FLOWERS

just like that 50 dollar bouquet died, our budding romance will succumb to the same fate if you show up at my house, work or neighborhood mcdonalds with a bouquet of anything. not only are they a waste of money seeing as you can steal them out of your moms garden for free, but THEY DIE. i don’t want to have to keep dead roses because i’ll feel bad for throwing them out. and believe me when i say, i have a hard enough time remembering to keep myself hydrated – the flowers don’t stand a chance. but, if you want to get me something, an edible arrangement is fine.. hold the bananas.

  1. I DON’T WANT TO BE THE LITTLE SPOON

… i don’t want to be the big spoon either. this circles back to the whole sweating thing. you’ll be all cozy with me wrapped up in your arms, snoring away and i’ll be lying there like “how can i get another limb out from under the blankets.” a little pre-sleep/tv canoodling is fine, but there’s a reason we’re in a king bed, know your roll.

  1. I DON’T REPLY TO TEXTS

sorry not sorry. just because we’re “in-love” now doesn’t mean my life has to stop, it doesn’t mean yours does either. i’m at work all day, you’re doing what you’re doing – give me a call when you have a few minutes to talk. i know this one might seem bitchy, it’s just i don’t want to reply if i know i can’t keep replying. so i guess you can say i don’t reply because i care?

  1. FOOD IS THE ULTIMATE BAE

there’s a good chance that we’ll spend a few meals together, this is a post on its own and maybe one day i’ll do it but here’s the thing. i don’t eat salads. obviously, as a side at home when mom makes burgers. but if we’re going to dinner you best believe i’m getting the quesadillas, hold the onions, extra sour cream, with fries on the side and keep the ketchup coming.

love is complicated and messy enough as it is. so having someone who’s laid back isn’t always a bad thing, some men like women like being reassured that they’re important and loved. but, just because i don’t tell you i miss you doesn’t mean i don’t miss you. i think it’s about being confident enough to see your worth and knowing that other people can see it too.

to buy a car, or not to buy a car, that is the question

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for those of you who know me personally you know the love i have for jeeps is real, and the hate i have for my honda civic is even more real. i on more then one occasion have referred to that mistake learning experience as a lemon. which my dear ol’ dad finds offensive because he picked out and paid for that mistake learning experience. i cannot say enough good things about my civics fuel economy but it just doesn’t scream bad ass bitch, as it should – i mean, look at me. so here’s my dilemma, do i start a six year love hate relationship with my bank account and car payment plan or do i suck it up and continue to not meet my bad ass potential?

i mean dad, if you’re reading this it’s not fair to deny the world its right to see me in all of my glory. and besides, my birthdays in a couple weeks cosign that lovely hunk of metal (plastic?) and win alll of thee father of the year awards.